You know... I just realized something. I don't write anymore.It's just so crazy. When I was little I'd pour myself over little hand notebooks writing these crazy little poems. Whenever I could. And then I'd try at these fantasy stories but they were always left unfinished.I'd keep writing even though I didn't enderstand punctuation, and the whole composition would be run-ons. I used to love writing... and I think it was up there with my singing. So much, I didn't care to expand my performing like I so wish to now.

I used to love writing.. I sent my poems to poetry.com where they scammed me into thinking I was good enough for a convention and a plaque. I made my mom pay 60+ and the book never came. I even made her spend money on writing books that I could never understand. And since I could read in the 2nd grade, I filled myself to the top with books.

But sometimes I wish I didn't care for that... I mean, when I was little a modeling agency caught up with me and asked me if I'd join them... I think there was a 300$ fee, but my mom couldn't pay. And there were always paegent fliers being sent to my house, and I actually signed up for one. But again, the money was too great. I could've been singing more like I loved to. Performed more. And oh jeez, be like those child stars on TV. But I think I was too caught up in my dreamland and writing it down to care. Not like now... All I want to do is sing and perform, but I don't get oppurtunities to do so as much as I like. Everything should've started when you were little. Now, I just feel old and I always feel like I regret what I missed.

Still, it gave me the most wonderful childhood. The 90's were the best man.. Running around in the open air Philippines without a shirt, and I was still 2 so it was ok.Playing with my cousins.. I didn't have friends, it was just my family. Even so, playing with two kids and the unanimate objects around me. Sometimes... dreaming was better.And oh man, back when Power Rangers was still good and not really that tacky. Sailor Moon was still on and all those other Saturday morning cartoons. OF COURSE, those guys from Long Island keep reminding me of how young I was. Sure I was born in '92, but I still remember. I miss those times when I was little terribly. And sometimes I wish I could go back. Then I wouldn't be bored always on the computer.

Maybe I'll try writing again. But the words don't come easily as before when I used to write my poems. But I'll try.. If anything, I'll just be a songwriter too. 2 birds with 1 stone, what I was always efficient.

Oh and before I forget, I had a dream that I particularly liked. It was one of those story dreams. You see when I dream, it's like I'm actually there and it's real. I kinda know I'm dreaming and kinda not, cause right then and there I don't know what's reality, and I kinda like the feeling. 

Well, here's what I remember... I remember I was in a dance recital. I dunno, but it was a performance. Maybe I was 10 and it was with the Kennedy Dancers. It was at this... dark mysterious place, small stage.Problem was, I just got there and I didn't know any of the steps or and I didn't have the hip hop costumes. So they went out with their white shirts and cordoroys and I went out with my black leotard. I could never see the audience, I'm not sure if we danced for one. I only myself from the side.

Then there was this guy looking at everything from the back of the stage on some... throne. I think he was in charge or something. He was handsome yea, and young. Black hair knowing eyes and smile.. I didn't know him. His age kept changing but either way, he was older than me. More mature. Ok.. then cut to a field. We're still inside but there's like a small field infront of us that's all dry with dead grass. I'm 7 and the guy is 14 maybe on his throne again. He was a wizard. I think I was talking to him about something but I forgot. All my dancer friends have disappeared. He's telling this little kid to go get a small towel to clean up a spill from a cabinet in the...field. He tries but he keeps pulling out tableclothes instead XDD.

So I offered to get it and I found it. But I pulled out a snake instead. I wasn't afraid though. The snake started dragging around the dead field while I held it's tail. And wherever it went the grass would become green and flowers took it's place. And I gloated to the guy. "Oh look at this! Look what I'm doing!"

And he told me that I was here before, on this field. But I spit and stomped everywhere to make it dead cause I was angry or mean. But now I came back with kindness or something and I made everything live again. He was kind and I think we talked. I tried to study his face, but it wouldn't stop changing. He aged and became young again. I think he showed me magic. Like, real magic. Showing me his castle or whatever, it was just a big house. Think.. Moulin Rouge interior wise. It was dark.Then he said I had to leave and not come back.

But then I came back ate at night, I think with some family members. I wanted to show them. But when I went inside all the magic was dead. It was just this big house all empty like someone just moved. I looked in the bedrooms and the sheets were gone or something. I looked at the guy's cellphone to see who he last called to find a clue, but there was only 1 baterry left and I couldn't read. I didn't know how to.  

Then I saw him again..coming out of the bathroom. He said he was moving and I shouldn't be here. I said I wanted to say goodbye so he let me sleep over. I dunno where I slept but in the morning we had breakfast together. It wasn't dark anymore but bright. I took some pink papaya to him in the living room. Yes pink papaya -_-. And back then, I thought it was normal. I gave him a digital camera as a going away present with no batteries. I said he could always power it up himself. Then we were in the foyer and I was waiting for himto come downstairs. I was my age.

And OMG, I think I saw (he's gonna kill me) AE running up and down the stairs in a green sarong putting on high heeled sandals... o.O

Ok..yea the guy came back and we said our goodbyes. I was sad but tried not to show it. I knew that I loved him. But he was a wizard with other duties. And that was the end of it.

WEIRD I KNOW!!!!!!! But my romantic side just can't help but love the romance dreams I come up with. ^^

You know... days like these I really wish I had a sibling, a boyfriend... a dad... Someone else to take my side when my mother starts to annoy me again. I mean... I like to fill myself with work for performing,  it gives me something to do and I feel like somebody. But sometimes it gets too much. I want a break, an actual SUMMER.  Movies with friends...Six Flags whatever.. I'm always stuck home doing nothing. And my mother's always working and I'm always home alone. Yes, I *appreciate* that, but can you say YES once in a while? Let me go out with my friends? Do SOMETHING.

 I need someone... friends, they're great, but they aren't FAMILY you know? Family... it's something, it's closer. If anything, for so long I WISHED for an older brother. I always wanted one of those. And maybe I've had some substitutes, it's not the same I guess. And guys? Hmm.. maybe I have some repellant around me. I gotta be tall and skinny for that. I love my mother [we're practically like the Gilmore Girls] but when we fight it's hell. I need someone...

But I'm always alone -_-

Graduation: Pissed off and Crying

I thought I didn't care. I REALLY thought I didn't care. So what if my dad had this whole other life with a new family somewhere else? I had my mom that was enough for me. Besides, he was so far away it was easy that he didn't even exist. I never cared for him. I've never cried for him before. As far as I knew, he was such a stranger I didn't know if I loved him. Which I'm very sad to say. He was just someone who was bland and boring I talked to on the phone. And which was annoying since he always babied me. Not even knowing how much I've grown.

I was young and easy enough to believe my own thesis. But seriously, WHY Utah? Why all the way ACROSS THE COUNTRY for pete's sake?? So what if your Mormon? Do you really have to go to a Mormon populated state just to practice your religion?

What really brought me to this thinking was knowing that he was actually GOING to come to see me graduate. But the fact was, not after a good bullying by my mother and my uncle. Why shouldn't they have? He was always calling me up and giving me high hopes and saying that he's looking for a ticket. He's been "looking" for ticket for the past 2 or 3 weeks. Then last minute he calls up my mom and says he's not going. "Oh, too much money. I just came from the Philippines." Or whatever whatever. That's when I realized: WHAT!?! I'M your daughter! You can go visit the Philippines (he didn't even bring his family!), but you CAN'T COME TO MY GRADUATION!?! That's like... really not fair.

So he ended up that he is going to come. The night of the fifth. But what I can't get over is that he didn't make the decision himself. I used to think jokingly he was afraid my mother. I honestly believe it now. She is a strong woman and he had to move all the way across the country to run away from her. And I can get being the "black sheep" for being the only convert in his family. But he had STARTED a family with ME. Why all the distance huh? It's always HIM asking ME to come and visit him all the way in UTAH. BY MYSELF. Aren't I old enough? he asks. He's always willing to pay for the ticket. Umm.. NO. He just doesn't want see my mother that's all. But he can't come here to see me. If you really want to see me, then it's YOUR job to come HERE. He was the one that decided to put all this distance! Then he should sacrifice a little bit to see the daughter that worked so hard.

And no, I wasn't idle the whole time he was gone. Remember, it was like he didn't exist right? No, I DID EVERYTHING. But he didn't ONCE see me perform, or sing, or dance, or play piano, or my perfect A+ report cards. None of my frikin recitals. When I tell him I love to sing, he thinks its just kareoke. He's NEVER heard me perform. Something that's so common in my life. Imagine? My own FATHER doesn't even know. Maybe the last time I saw him was in the  6th grade. 2 years ago! More than. I had to go to all the way to Seattle. And even that was the first time since I was 4 years old.  

He's not even much to want. He's old with a 3 and 5 year old he doesn't know how to parent or control. He thinks by not disciplining them he's compensating for what he hasn't done for me. But the fact is: I have a STEPMOTHER (who hardly talks by the way and does whatever said, unlike my mom) and TWO SISTERS (who are very adorable). I seem myself in those siblings. But as far as I know, I am a SINGLE CHILD.

My dad could be with HIS family, but he can't be with me. Oh, now he is. Gonna see my graduation. FINALLY, see my friends. They're my family too you know! And it hurts that I have to leave them, but not really leave them of courser. He can FINALLY  see the school that has been my home. All these factors that have made me (especially my mom) he does not know. How then can he POSSIBLY know ME? He hasn't seen Jersey City, in what, 10 years? Wow, 10 years without seeing my mother... running away ever since their divorce. I call that a record. And COWARDLY.

He had better sit in Church during my morning Graduation Mass. NEXT to my mother and they will BOTH tolerate it. I don't care if he's Mormon. If he could sit in a church for the wedding of my niece in Seattle then he can certainly do the same thing for ME : his daughter. My sisters have a chance that they have whole family. My mother was plenty enough of love for me, and I do LOVE HER TO DEATH. But knowing that I DO have a father (which I just realized maybe a few weeks ago) made me think, why not? It's not fair.

Yes, I'm very glad that he's coming. Just disappointed for the lost years. Disappointed because he doesn't even know all the things I can do. All the things that made my mom proud, he doesn't even know. I can't even tell him! "Oh, today was my play. You didn't see it, but I was the lead." "Oh, I'm the salutatorian of the class. Sorry not VALEDICTORIAN but Chris got that." "Oh, my voice recital is coming up. I'm singing and playing the piano together." "Oh, I'm singing for the Philippine Independence Day Festival." HE DOESN'T KNOW.

It doesn't matter, I hardly know him. I just know he's old and he sounds very sad.

Graduation is in 6 days. I have to get finished with so man ythings. God, I don't even want to think about it lest I start crying again. Because I'll be leaving my SECOND HOME. I'll be leavin the friends who have been there for me. ::sigh:: It's too much. You'd think 365 days was enough, huh?

Back

Heyy! I'm Back! HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!! Pre-made layout. No time and really no inspiration at all.

ANYWAY

New poems:

Nanay To Anak

O der, take it

please take it

i’m sorry i can’t gib you more

like those puti nanays

sa TeeBee

i wish i could gib you pera

and a nice house on a hill

but

i gib you what my nanay gib me:

our heritage, our words

our accent, our hard work

i gib you Santo Nino

and a book ob pelipino poods

to pass to your own anak

like my nanay did me

take it, please take it

it’s all i hab to gib

don’t turn on your language

like de rest ob de puti kids

don’t porget your history

what your lolo die por you

go to church ebery Sunday

and thank Dios

dat you can come to Amerika

and cook rice

show your anak to cook itlog

and peed her what I showed you

please take it

and don’t porget me

don’t porget your island

PILIPINAS:

pilled with fruit and lahb

don’t porget when you go

to Amerika

don’t listen to de puti

ip dey say bad words

but work hard and be carepul

i cant gib you english

or a gud life widout pain

but remember anak

i lahb you

Mahal kita.

Ode To Writer’s Block

i want to say something

but i can't

im choking on my words

words, words, words,

are up to here

and the whole room's on us, babe

can i get someone to hold my hand?

i wanna open my book

and tell you my story

open the red curtain

and hear my story

but i try to find the lines

to speak out my mind

and im stuck with this one big blank

oh why why why

these big fat clichés.

Isz all good.

Pictures

Yay!! Pics of Micko!! ^_^

Chewing on my sock.... I have no more sock ::sniff sniff::

 Aww!!

Yea, yea I'm only babysitting him for the next 5 weeks...

Random thing I learned to do.. It's my balcony.

Well... we dissected today. *FINALLY* We were supposed to on Friday but we had a snow day so.. They were the tiniest worms I've ever seen. XD I was kinda disappointed cause I wanted my specimen JUICY enough to eat!! HAKUNA MATATA!!!! ^_^